Dear Dr. Karyn,
I'm extremely frustrated. I've got a 14-year old son that is constantly getting angry at the smallest things. He freaks out as soon as he comes home. I can't take it anymore and his father refuses to deal with him.

Answer:
Anger is a very complicated emotion. I've coached hundreds of teen guys and I've learned a lot from them. They've shared with me that there is a very strong, unspoken rule that "Guys are allowed to be angry but are not allowed to be hurt or sad." So as a result, many male teens and men express all their emotions through anger. It's important to realize your son's anger is a symptom of a much deeper emotion - possibly hurt, sadness or frustration. First, wait till he calms down. Trying to talk with him logically, in the heat of the moment, is not going to do anyone any good. Second, ask him how he's feeling. He may say "I don't know," and he truly may not know. Offer him the words. Many teen guys I've talked with very honestly have said "dk, I don't know what I feel, I don't have the words for it." Let's face it, it's impossible to talk if we don't have the vocabulary. So offer your son some choices. Ask him, "Do you feel hurt or frustrated?" Once he hears the words he'll know which feeling suits him. If he refuses to talk, respect his space. Pushing him to talk will only make him shut down more. Third, wait for that golden opportunity when you think he may want to talk. Most guys tend to open up when they are talking ‘sideways’ (i.e. watching TV, driving, playing a sport). When there is no eye contact, their anxiety is reduced and they talk more. Trying to get them to open up is one of the most important steps in healthy anger management. If they keep their feelings bottled up, they will either explode over small situations or, in extreme cases, they may experience some degree of depression. Fourth, and most importantly, it's important for you and especially your husband to model healthy anger management. As his parents, you need to show him how to do it. You cannot expect your son to do anything that you and your husband are not doing yourselves.