Dear Dr. Karyn,
I'm the mother of a 16 year old son. Two years ago, I got remarried and thought life would get much easier. It has been extremely difficult. My husband and son are constantly fighting and I don't know what to do. Most of their conflicts are about my son not doing his chores and so my husband disciplines him. Any tips to improve would be greatly appreciated.

Answer:
Blended families are tough! The Brady’s and other large TV families painted a very unrealistic image of what blended families truly experience. There are a few things you can do to radically improve your situation. Firstly, your new husband should absolutely not do any discipline. Discipline needs to be the role of the biological parent only - unless the biological parent has given that authority to the step-parent for a certain time. To keep it safe and clear, I highly recommend only biological parents do the discipline. The role of the step-parent is to be supportive of the biological parent. If step-parents get involved with discipline a few things will happen. (1) The child / teen will likely become resentful and angry towards the step-parent. (2) The child / teen will become angry towards their biological parent for giving their authority to the step-parent. (3) Tension will start growing in the new marriage between the biological parent and the step-parent. The role that step-parents should play is ‘the friend of the children’. Only if the biological parent is not around, and the discipline has already been agreed upon in advance, should the step parent ever take over that authority. If you find your new husband is having difficulty pulling back from his authority role, I recommend you see a counselor who can coach both of you through this. Blended families have different structures than other families and, therefore, need proper systems in place in order for a healthy family system to grow!

How Should Step-Parents Respond to Stepchildren?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
I’m getting married next month to a man who has 3 teen daughters. I do not have any children of my own. I’ve heard blended families can be tricky. How should I respond to his daughters as their new step-parent? Should I be disciplining them?

Answer:
Ok, this is a tricky one. One of the biggest mistakes I see is when step-parents act like the biological parent and take over the disciplining. Only biological parents should be disciplining children unless the biological parent has given their authority to the step-parent to do so. However, step-parents still have an incredibly important role: to be supportive to the biological parents as it relates to parenting and to act more like a friend to the stepchildren. If step-parents act too much like biological parents, often, children will resent this new step-parent. This can cause a lot of tension in the new marriage.

What is the Secret for Making Blended Families Work?

Dear Dr. Karyn,

My fiancé and I are getting married in a few months. We both have children from our first marriage. What is your advice for making it work?

Answer:
Half of Canadian marriages end in divorce and one third of all children will live in a stepfamily. So here are a few pointers to make blended families work. Realize that there is no such thing as instant love. Building relationships takes time so be patient. One of the greatest criticisms I hear from children in blended families is that they have step-parents who try too hard. Understand that the biological parent should be in charge of disciplining and the step-parent should be supportive of this role. Think of a step-parent, in this situation, as the vice-president of a company – a very important role but secondary to the president who, in this case, is the biological parent. It may also be important for the biological parents and their children to maintain some family traditions just between them. They will need some time alone. Remember, however, to start new family traditions as a blended family. This is always a great discussion to have around special holidays. Finally, as parents, you need to make sure you’re spending enough time alone - without the kids - and not talking about the kids. Like any healthy family, the marriage relationship must be nurtured as this will provide the stability your blended family needs to succeed.