Dear Dr. Karyn,
My 14-year-old daughter is spending all day on MSN and then goes out and parties all night. We are trying to give her space but we are afraid she is making bad decisions now that could impact the rest of her life. What should we do?

Answer:
Giving your child or teenager space is essential. You need to cultivate an environment where your teenager feels safe to express him or herself. But boundaries do need to be set. In the summer, especially, when teens are missing the structure of their daily school routine, it is important to establish some limitations. I recommend you sit down with your daughter and discuss a curfew. By involving her in the discussion, she will feel empowered, respond in a more positive manner and, therefore, will be more likely to respect this boundary. If your child does not have a part-time job, it is essential to give them some responsibilities or chores they are in charge of. This helps build self-esteem and a healthy attitude. Communication is also vital. It is extremely important to clarify that TV, MSN and socializing are privileges - not expectations. Once you have established this, it is possible to incorporate these privileges into a reward system. For more specific help, get your hands on my Analyse Your Teen: 4 Part CD Series. It contains over 3 hours of practical strategies to build the parent-teen relationship. I have devoted an entire CD (1hour) to setting boundaries with pre-teens and teens.

What Should Parents do if They Discipline Differently?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
I have a 22 year old son and a 15 year old daughter. My problem is my wife and I see differently when it comes to disciplining the children. I am more firm while she is more laid back. It makes me look as if I am the bad guy and, because of that, my kids speak to my wife in a disrespectful manner. Dr. Karyn, sometimes I sit back and watch but sometimes it gets unbearable and so I step in and yell. I would ask my wife why she lets the children get away with so much and a few minutes later she would behave as if nothing happened between her and the children. Dr. Karyn I am at my wits end. Please help.

Answer:
Discipline or power is one of the three biggest stressors in marriage - you are not alone. As a therapist on The Mom Show, I frequently receive questions about discipline. Before I recommend how you and your wife should respond, let me first educate you about the different discipline styles. In my Analyse Your Teen CD series, one of the 4 CD’s is all about how to set boundaries and teach responsibility. In this resource, I outline 3 different discipline styles. There is the “Stone Wall” boundary when parents are very strict, rigid and allow very little room for negotiation. In this family, children will often rebel or become resentful. There is the “Wild Field” boundary when parents allow anything to happen. In this case, the children or teens are running the show and the parents feel walked on and taken for granted. There is often a sense of chaos and anxiety in this home. Finally, there is the “Picket Fence” boundary when boundaries and expectations are discussed, communicated, negotiated and agreed upon. Often appropriate rewards or consequences are also agreed upon. In this home children feel valued and respected while parents still have authority.
From your question, my sense is that your wife is more of a “Wild Field” and you are more of a “Stone Wall”. These two extremes will often create enormous conflict and chaos in any family. My number one recommendation: it is imperative for the well-being of your children and also your marriage that you and your wife get on the same page as it relates to discipline. For starters, you can get my CD series that will better educate you and your wife about how exactly parents can implement the ‘Picket Fence’ boundaries in your home. If you feel you still need more help, then I recommend you and your wife go to counseling. If you’re wife refuses, I’d still recommend you go yourself so you can learn how to respond effectively to the situation. Getting frustrated and yelling will not improve your situation. Getting the right education and information will empower you to act and respond differently!

How Should I Respond to My Daughter Who Thinks I’m Being Disrespectful?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
I have a 14 year old who, I have now determined, confuses authority with disrespect. She thinks because we ask her to do or not do things that we are being disrespectful. I am going crazy seeing her failing in school. MSN is now off limits or controlled tightly. She walks out on us when we tell her to sit and do her homework. What do we do before I go completely crazy? 

Answer:
My suggestion is to take what I call the Inside-Out Approach: start to look internally. First, I’m curious about what is really going on with your daughter. When someone is so defiant and failing in school, often these behaviours are a symptom of another problem. Is she depressed? Has something happened to her? What is really going on with her emotionally? Kids don’t just skip and fail for no reason. Even poor choices have hidden unhealthy payoffs. I’d be investing some time and professional counseling to figure out what is really going on. It’s very possible that she would not be willing or interested in counseling. A child that is so angry and defiant is often not yet ready to start working on their part. If that’s the case, I’d be recommending you and your husband to focus on the outside since you as parents can control that. Here are some ideas: First, it would be very helpful for you and your husband to see a professional counselor so you can learn how to set and follow through with boundaries and responsibilities. Often parents know what they expect from their children but there are no clear consequences if their children step outside these boundaries. As a result, it creates a confusing, chaotic and anxious environment. Even scarier, when this happens, children start having way too much control in the family; they develop an attitude of entitlement while parents feel out of control. Trust me when I say this is really scary and very unhealthy when it gets to this place. A second suggestion, you can pick up my CD resource, Analyse Your Teen, a 4 part CD set that empowers parents to set up boundaries. I teach very practical strategies about boundaries and give lots of examples of what other parents have done to “regain control” in a healthy way. This will give you lots of material to help you get unstuck. Finally, you can read some of the other books specific to teaching boundaries. I’ve coached hundreds upon thousands of parents through this process – let me tell you if you are willing to do your part, the situation has the potential to get better as long as you get the right information and help!

How Can I Get My Child to Be More Responsible?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
I really want my daughter to grow up a responsible adult – I see so many “adults” who are not responsible. What do I need to do as a parent to help her in this direction?

Answer:
The Globe and Mail recently interviewed me about this very question. Many children struggle with responsibility. It’s important to understand that being responsible is a skill. Like any skill, it takes time and proper guidance. The earlier children learn this skill the better! Trying to learn responsibility in high school will be much more difficult than learning at an earlier age. It’s important to understand that in order for children to learn responsibilities, they need to have responsibilities. In many families, there is a lot of confusion about who is responsible for what.  Schoolwork? Chores? Allowance? Curfews? Communication? In order for children to learn responsibility, there must be a clear boundary between the child’s responsibilities and the parent’s responsibilities. That boundary needs to be talked out, negotiated and rewards or consequences should be agreed upon to help the boundary stick. And then parents need to stick to it!  I hear from parents who have tried to place the responsibility of schoolwork on their children. When the schoolwork doesn’t get done, these parents nag, yell, criticize or even try bribery to get the work completed rather than just allowing their children to experience the natural consequences of their actions. Remember, actions speak louder than words and I’m a big believer that boundaries are caught more than they are taught. For children to truly learn the concept and principle of responsibility, they need to be left to experience the rewards when they achieve them, as well as the consequences when they don’t.