Dear Dr. Karyn,
Last night, on your radio show, you talked about the top 10 ways parents can encourage their teens to share. Can you list them again?

Answer:
Great question! There are many things parents can do to encourage their teens to share with them. Here are my top 10.

 

1.	Be Real. Teens are very good at discerning when someone is authentic or not.
2.	Affirm. Teens tell me they wish they heard more from their parents about what they are doing well.
3.	Listen. "Listen better" was the number #1 thing teens said they needed from their parents in order to improve their relationship.
4.	Spend Time. Be willing to do something that interests your teen (i.e. shopping, sports, and movies).
5.	Show Respect. Respect is highly valued in the youth culture. Respect their opinion. Remember, respect does not mean you agree with their choices or decisions. Try to respect them as a person.
6.	Be Patient. Relationships take time. Remember not to try too hard. Be yourself.
7.	Be Consistent. If you tell your teen you are going to do something - do it. Follow through with your word in consequences but also in commitments. Show them your word is valuable.
8.	Be Rested. No one can work on relationships if they are tired and exhausted. Remember to invest in yourself.
9.	Respect Yourself. The saying, ‘we treat people how we want to be treated’, is extremely accurate. If teens learn they can disrespect you, they often won’t respect you. Nor will they open up to you. Show your teen how you expect to be treated.
10.	Seek Help. If you've tried all these tips and your teen is still not opening up to you, seek a third party / counselor to help you and your teen. Relationships are so important. We need to invest in them and this takes time.

BONUS
Think of a time when you and your teen really connected. Where were you? How did you feel? How did they feel? Was it planned or spontaneous? What time of the day was it? Look for these golden opportunities when they arise. Every teen is different, but most often, it is the spontaneous moments that become the best memories.

How Do You Get Your Teen to Open Up?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
I've got a 16 year old and I can't get him to open up. Whenever I ask him a question his response is, "I don't know." He says I ask too many questions. It's really frustrating. Any suggestions?

Answer:
There are a lot of parents who are probably giggling to themselves right now because they can identify with your question. The great news - there are many things you can do to help this situation. First, understand you and your son probably communicate differently. Most girls that I coach are more comfortable talking directly, giving eye contact and talking openly about their feelings. While most teenage guys I coach find this ‘direct communication’ approach invasive, irritating and uncomfortable. Most guys open up when you talk ‘sideways’ or while you are doing something (i.e. watching TV, driving, playing a sport, doing the dishes). When your eyes are focused on doing an activity and there is less eye contact it reduces their anxiety and increases the chances of them opening up. Second, realize that asking lots of questions is perceived by some teenage sons, even daughters, as nosy and frustrating. It's more effective to just enjoy being with them. Go out for dinner, do a sport, rent a movie. When they are ready, which may take some time, they will open up. Third, understand when your teenage son says, "I don't know," he may really mean, "I don't know." When I ask male teens a question, many of them say they’ve never thought about it before - they truly don't know the answer. So be patient, give your son time to figure out his answer. You might find he starts opening up when you least expect it. When that golden opportunity arrives and he is ready to talk, try to spend twice the time listening rather than talking!

What are the Top 10 Ways to Communicate Effectively with Teens During a Crisis?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
I listen to your radio show every Sunday night and I heard you give 10 tips for communicating effectively with teens during a crisis. Unfortunately, I missed the first half of the program. Can you tell me the top 10 list again?

Answer:
Here are the Top 10 Ways to Communicate Effectively with Teens During a Crisis:.
 

1.	Try Something Different. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result.
2.	Get Curious, Not Furious. When you hear something you don't like, ask questions. Curiosity is an amazing word. It's neutral and keeps the dialogue open.
3.	Shift Your Focus to Behaviours that You Can Measure and Observe. Try not to be a detective, judge or lawyer. It's exhausting, time-consuming and teens will find more creative ways to hide information. Rather, be open, loving, supportive and curious.
4.	Focus on Strengths. Especially during a crisis, it's very easy to focus on all the areas that need work. Many teens are sensitive to criticism and complaints. Remember to highlight what they are doing well. If you can't think of any, wait until you can think of some. We all have strengths!
5.	Communicate During Times of Conflict. Many families avoid conflicts hoping they’ll go away. It only gets worse. Be courageous and talk about the tough topics.
6.	Invest in Your Teen. Many parents tell me they invest more time in their children than they do in their teens – when the investment is high. But we need to continue investing in our teens even when the return seems low.
7.	Try to See the Problem, Not the Person. When parents have children, they probably hear the advice, "Avoid using statements such as ‘bad girl' or 'bad boy’.” It's important to separate the person from the behaviour. Another way to say this would be, "I love you, I just don't like the decision you are making."
8.	Are You Communicating About the Problem, Or Is the Problem How You Are Communicating? In times of crisis, the greater problem becomes HOW you are communicating. Are you judging? Attacking? Criticizing? If you are, your teen will likely get defensive. Try to focus on the problem and communicate assertively. Remember to respect your teen as well as you respect yourself.
9.	Remember Communication Strategies Work Only Some of the Time With Some of the People. Every teen is different. What works with one of your children may not work with another. Get creative. Think out of the box. Be willing to try something different. Change the dance of how you've communicated in the past.
10.	Check In With Yourself. Remember to continually invest in yourself! If you are tired, exhausted and overworked, recharge yourself first before attempting to address a crisis with your teen. It is impossible to handle a crisis well when you are exhausted; you say or do things you later regret.

BONUS
Think of a time when you and your teen really connected. Where were you? How did you feel? How did they feel? Was it planned or spontaneous? What time of the day was it? Look for these golden opportunities when they arise. Every teen is different, but most often, it is the spontaneous moments that become the best memories.

How Do I Know My Daughter Loves Me?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
My 14- year old daughter hasn’t told me she loves me since she was a little girl. We seem to have a good relationship. She shares all kinds of information about what is going on in her life and occasionally she makes me these really beautiful cards but I’m concerned that maybe we’re not as close as I think we are. I really love affirmation and it makes me feel sad that I don’t hear it from her. Am I overreacting?

Answer:
A great question! The topic of love is one that comes up all the time at my private counseling practice. My sense from your email is that you and your daughter have a wonderful bond; after all, it speaks volumes when teens are forthcoming with information to their parents. However, I sense you and your daughter might have different love languages. Let me explain. According to Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, there are five key ways people express their love. All five ways are important and valued differently by each other. After reading all five, ask yourself to rate 0-5 the love languages from most to least important. The first love language is Time. In other words, we show love to one another by spending quality time with them. Second is Physical Touch / Physical Affection (hugs and kisses). The third love language is Affirmation. People who value this love language like to hear “I love you” and any word of encouragement or affirmation. Debbie, it sounds like this one may be your number one love language. The fourth love language is Acts of Service. People who value this language (sounds like your daughter, Debbie) like to show their love through their actions. They may not say, “I love you,” but they will show it to you by making cards, doing the laundry, cleaning their room, etc. The final language is Giving Gifts. It is important that parents know and identify with these five love languages. Find out what love language you value. Next, figure out what love language your teen values. A trick to figure this out is often, not always, people give what they actually want back. So if you’re daughter is giving acts of service or making cards, she might actually appreciate acts of service higher than affirmation. If you can’t figure out what her language is, have the courage to ask her. The best way to pour into any relationship is to do our best to speak the other person’s language, not just the language that comes most naturally to us.

Why Does My Son Always Give One Word Answers?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
I don’t know how to get my son to open up. If I ask him questions he will answer but it is always with one word. Sometime he will open up but not when it comes to his personal stuff. He will tell me when he has a girlfriend and when he breaks up with her but never tells me more unless I ask. His friends seem to tell me more. Can you please advise?

Answer:
There is no question that girls and guys communicate differently! Although there are always exceptions to each rule, I’ve certainly found, after ten years of counseling, a significant difference in gender communication. Often, when I ask teen guys questions, they give one word answers or the standard, “I don’t know.” I’ve learned from them 7 potential reasons why male teens give one word answers:

1. They don’t really want to talk about it with you.
2. They really don’t know the answer and therefore will give one word answers or say, “I don’t know,” because they are embarrassed.
3. They know the answer kind of but they don’t know the words for how to communicate it.
4. They feel uncomfortable about the topic.
5. They don’t want to talk about it at that time.
6. They don’t respect you or your opinion.
7. They think it’s none of your business.
8. A combination of the above.

From my experience, #1 and #2 seem the most popular. If it’s #1, I’d recommend you look at your communication with your son and do a personal evaluation. What do you think you’re doing that may discourage your son from talking with you? Are you too critical? Too intense? Give poor body language? Don’t show yourself enough self-respect? This will take some reflection time.

If it’s reason #2, I have a couple of strategies for you. First, look at your ‘past successes’ when he really opened up to you. Where were you? What time of day was it? Generally, guys talk much more openly when they are ‘talking sideways’, i.e. playing a sport or in the car. By reducing eye contact this often helps them reduce their anxiety and encourages them to talk. So look for these golden opportunities. Second, try asking specific questions instead of open ended questions. If you ask him how his day was, he’ll likely respond with a one word answer. Instead, be specific. Ask him:
“What was the best part of your day and the worst part of your day?”
“What qualities do you most appreciate and like about your girlfriend?”
“What is your greatest pet peeve?”
“Who do you feel most connected to?”
“What can I work on to improve our relationship?” (teens like this one)
Realize, as well, that building relationships is a process. Try to walk before you try to run. If you come on too strong and intense, it will only push your son further away.

What are 10 Tips to Communicate Effectively?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
I saw you recently on Breakfast Television talking about practical strategies parents can use to get their kids to talk….I was fascinated…. I have three daughters and realize there are many things I’m doing wrong in my communication with them. I started feeling empowered listening to your suggestions. Would you mind emailing me that Top 10 list…Thanks for all your help with parents and teens. We need all the help we can get.

Answer:
I’m so glad to hear you feel empowered. I’ve coached parents and youth for ten years and have learned firsthand there are many things parents can do to encourage their kids to talk. And there are some things that will push them away.

So as you requested, here is my Top 10 list of things parents can do to encourage their kids (any age) to talk. This is not an exhaustive list but one to get you thinking.

1.BE SAFE: Parents need to be a ‘safe place’. Kids don’t talk if they feel they parents are going to judge them, tell other people confidential information or make fun of what they are saying.

2.LISTEN MORE: Last year, I asked over a thousand kids what they needed from their parents that would encourage them to talk with their parents. The #1 response was “to listen more”. So often many of us are quick to give solutions when really our kids just want us to listen.

3.CHOOSE GOOD TIMING: Timing is everything. Think of the time of day that’s worked best in the past. When have you gotten your kids to talk before? For most kids, it’s at night or after school - not in the morning!

4.KNOW YOUR EMOTIONS: Parents, be aware of your emotions. Kids are incredibly aware of how their parents are feeling. If parents are more relaxed and easygoing, kids are more likely to talk. If parents are stressed out or anxious, kids are more likely to keep things to themselves.

5.BE ALONE: Kids are more likely to talk if it is just them and their parents.

6.THINK OF A PAST SUCCESS. Every child has a ‘secret formula’ that gets them to talk. Think of a past success when you got your child to talk. Where were you? Who was with you? What time of the day was it? How were you feeling? How were they feeling? Start looking for these golden opportunities.

7.KNOW YOU & YOUR CHILD’S LEARNING STYLES:  An auditory learner won’t need to have eye contact during communication while a visual learner will. Meanwhile, a hands-on / kinesthetic learner will need to ‘doodle’ or do something while they talk  and, often, an auditory learner will think the kinesthetic learner is not listening. Not understanding how learning styles impact communication often leads to frustration and anger. Get to know your child’s learning style and how this impacts their communication with you.

8.KNOW GENDER COMMUNICATION DIFFERENCES: Girls like eye contact, many guys do not. This is really important to understand in parent / child relationships. It’s important for fathers to understand that, often, daughters need to have eye contact from them or they will think their dad is not listening to them. Similarly, it’s important for mothers to understand that, often, sons will find eye contact too intense. When I’m coaching girls, I’ll give them eye contact. When I’m coaching guys, I’ll often (not always) talk “sideways” – we’ll both face the same direction. This approach reduces eye contact and makes communication more comfortable. Driving in a car or doing an activity can allow this approach to happen naturally.

9.KNOW YOUR BODY LANGUAGE: 93% of communication is non verbal, e.g., eye contact, tone of voice, facial expressions. It’s important for parents – for all people - to start being aware of their body language. Do you talk too much? Talk too little? Do you give too many solutions? Do you frown? Do you avoid eye contact? Do you apologize when you’ve done something wrong and, if not, what message do you think that sends to your children? What is your body language communicating? To help you with this, ask your children directly keeping in mind they may or may not have the words to answer. Or you can purchase my resource Analyse Your Teen, a4 Part CD Series and 40 page workbook. In the workbook, is a report card template designed by a group of teenagers. If you give this report card to your child allowing your child to evaluate your communication, you will have 100% clear direction about what you need to work on. This tool is extremely helpful!

10.LISTEN & BE OPEN FOR FEEDBACK: Often, children will tell parents what they need but, often, parents are too busy or not emotionally prepared to really pick up these signs. The only way we improve is if we are open to feedback. The problem is: if our egos are too fragile or we suffer from low self-esteem, we tend to take things personally and find it difficult to hear criticism. My encouragement is that relationships only improve if we are able to acknowledge what we are doing well while also acknowledging the areas that need work.

What is the # 1 Piece of Advice You Give to Parents?

Dr Karyn,
If there was only one thing you recommended parents to focus on to raise healthy balanced children, what would it be?

Answer:
The cool thing – the same answer applies to parents and youth. In fact, a year ago, I had a 16-year old ask me the same question, “Karyn, what would be the #1 piece of advice you would give to teens to be happy and successful?” What a great question. There are many tips I can think of but the #1 would be: “Focus on what you can control, accept what you cannot control and pray for the wisdom to know the difference.” This is a popular proverb called the ‘serenity prayer’ written many years ago. It’s found on posters in doctors’ offices and guidance offices. When I coach parents and youth, I’ve witnessed the impact this phrase can have on individuals. If people are able to follow it, they will feel relief, peace and more in control. If people don’t follow it, they will often feel stress, frustration, anger and anxiety. There are many things we can control in our life – our attitude as well as our choices and behaviour. But there are many things we cannot control including other people and our feelings. When I coach youth and parents, I find most people spend their energy trying to get the other person to change. In other words, most people focus on what they cannot control. This is wasted energy. The more they focus on what they cannot control, the more they feel powerless and exhausted. Instead, I encourage people to focus on themselves. When I raise this issue, people often get defensive and say, “But what can I control?” I say, “You – you control what you talk about, how you talk about it, your words, your body language and your eye contact. HOW you communicate will greatly affect how another person responds to you.” If you really want to feel better and more in control of your life, you need to ask yourself a very tough question: What can I do differently to improve this situation?

How Should I Deal with Secrets My Teen Shares with Me?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
My teen told me something in confidence but I told my husband. Should I have done this?

Answer:
My recommendation – definitely not! If we tell our teens we are not going to tell anyone, then it is so important we show them that we mean what we say. Otherwise, we are teaching them that we are not trustworthy and safe. The only time I think it is necessary to break confidentiality is if someone tells you that they are hurting themselves or someone else. But otherwise, keep your promises and honour confidentiality. If you, as a parent, don’t feel comfortable not being able to share information with your spouse - that’s fine – but be honest and let your teen know this in advance.

How Much Should You Tell Your Children About Your Past?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
I want to be really honest with my kids since my own parents weren’t with me. How much should I share with my kids about my past?

Answer:
I think it’s important to ask yourself what your motive is. Is your motive to teach your children a lesson so they don’t make the same mistakes you did? Is your motive to get it off your chest and be more vulnerable with your children? Is your motive to show your children how great you were by walking three miles in the freezing rain to school? I’m a big believer in honesty and I also believe in age-appropriateness of certain information. More important than what you did when you were 16, I think it’s important to share your values – past and present – with your children.  What were your values on drugs, sex, school, relationships, and friendships when you were 16, compared to now? What were your boundaries? Were they important to you? How did you deal with pressure? Often, children like to hear some personal stories that back up their parents’ values. When you do share, stay focused on why you are sharing this in the first place. Remember, each child is going to make their own choices. You sharing your story may or may not impact them but it will make you more human.