Dear Dr. Karyn,
My husband and I are going through separation. What is the best way to approach our children?

Answer:
How parents handle divorce is extremely important. Here are a few tips. First, if at all possible, sit down with your children - together - and explain you are going to separate. Second, make it clear the separation has nothing to do with them. They are not at fault; this is between you and your husband. Third, be sure to reinforce that they still have 2 parents who love and adore them. This is not going to change. Fourth, as parents, make a commitment to each other that neither of you will belittle each other in front of the children. Do not put your children in the middle of your separation. Fifth, explain that feeling anger, sadness or loss is completely normal during separation. Encourage your children to voice their feelings. The more teens voice their feelings, the less need they have to act them out. Finally, it will be important for you and your husband to get your own emotional support. It is not your children or teens’ job to be your support. Teens need to be teens, not counselors to their parents. Parents need to understand that regardless of the situation, it is important to continue being a positive role-model for their children, even through separation.

How do You Respond When Your Ex-Spouse is Lying to Your Teen?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
My ex-husband constantly lies to my children about our relationship. He said I left him when it was actually he who left us. My kids, ages 14 and 15, are getting a wrong understanding of who I am as a mother. I've heard from other professionals that it's important not to put kids in the middle but what do you do if your reputation is being affected? How much should I tell them?

Answer:
Tough situation. You're right, counseling professionals will often advise parents to avoid talking poorly about their spouse to their children. Children and teens are smart. They know what is going on and they don't need to hear it from us. If parents can stay neutral about their ex, saying nice things or nothing at all, it frees children from being loyal to the parent who is not present. Often, if one parent puts down the other, one child will be obligated to be the ‘spokesperson’ for the parent not present. When this happens, it freezes the child, forcing them to deal with and grieve the loss of their parents’ separation. So, if your ex-husband is telling complete lies about you to your children, plan a response in advance. Be very careful about what you say and how you say it. The key is you don't want to fight back and attack him, otherwise, you’re playing his game. This immature behaviour will only hurt your children. Rather, if your kids are repeating something your ex-husband said, simply say, "Well, that's your dad's perception. I see it very differently - but that's between your dad and me." State you have a different perception, clarify the boundary - that it's between you and your ex-husband - and try, as much as possible, to stay neutral. When parents do this – and it will be difficult - their children will learn to trust their parent more and become more objective towards the other parent.

How Should I Talk About My Ex to My Kids?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
My wife and I separated 3 months ago. How should I talk about my ex to my kids? Are there some do’s and don’ts?

Answer:
How parents handle a separation or divorce has a huge impact on the well-being of their children. The most important thing to remember is do not EVER put down your ex-partner when speaking to or around your kids. When parents do this, children often feel highly uncomfortable, burdened, anxious and put in the middle. My number one suggestion is say something nice or nothing at all to your kids. If your ex-partner is irresponsible, rude or undependable, you don’t have to tell this to your kids - they will figure it out on their own in their own time. Get your own adult support group that you can vent to; your kids should never be your outlet.