Dear Dr. Karyn,
I know it’s probably not best to fight with my spouse in front of the kids. But is it really that damaging?

Answer:
Teens have many emotions. Experts tell us we have over 800 emotions and most of us think we only have a handful. The reality is we have an enormous emotional system wired in us. Every situation we experience, we will have emotions attached to it. Parents tell me they don't think their teens are picking up on their marital stress. Think again. Teens are incredibly perceptive about what is going on between their parents. Teens will do one of two things: they will keep their feelings to themselves and, as these emotions become too much for them, start feeling depressed. In extreme situations, their motivation might decrease; their hygiene is no longer important, they start skipping class or just ‘not caring’. These types of teens I've coached are more sensitive and can pick up the subtle clues of marital stress. The other option is for teens to ‘act it out’. They may seem overly moody, angry, irritable, short-tempered and agitated over small situations. These teens have a lot of emotions but don't know how to process them so they act them out. There are 3 key things parents can do to improve the situation. Firstly, invest in your marriage regularly! If you are having marital difficulty, seek a counselor who can help you work together. If a spouse refuses, one party can at least go and learn helpful tools to improve their part. Secondly, parents need be a ‘safe place’ where their teens can go to open up. If one parent is putting the other parent down, it communicates to the teen that the parent is not safe. The teen, therefore, is less likely to open up to this parent. Thirdly, parents need to build their own support system and should never go to their kids for support. If you are too worn out or exhausted, your teen will sense this and will not share with you because they know you can't handle it. Remember to invest in you, your marriage and your kids - in that order.

What is the Connection Between Thoughts and Feelings?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
I hear so many people talk about the importance of talking out our emotions. But, as a father, I don’t want my children to become too emotional. Can you help me better understand the connection between feelings and thoughts and what we should do about it?

Answer:
Most of us think feelings are illogical, after all, why should someone feel fat when they’re only 120 pounds? Or why should someone feel depressed and insecure when they seem to have everything going for them? As a result, we might say comments like, “You shouldn’t worry,” or “You shouldn’t feel fat,” or “You shouldn’t feel depressed.” In other words, we are telling this person their feelings don’t make any sense so they should stop feeling that way. But there are a couple of problems with this attitude. First, we cannot control what we feel. Although we can control what we do with our feelings, we cannot control the feeling itself. So, telling someone they shouldn’t feel depressed is like telling someone they shouldn’t breathe; they cannot control it and comments like this will only frustrate the person even more. Second, feelings are completely logical; it’s often the thoughts that cause these feelings that are illogical. Our thoughts and attitudes will often determine our feelings - and our feelings affect our actions. Our thoughts can happen so fast we may not even realize what our subconscious mind is thinking, but our feelings will follow just like a reflex. We can instantly feel angry, sad, disappointed, hurt or frustrated depending on how we interpret an event or someone else’s words. If you want to change how you feel, you first need to challenge and change what you are thinking.

Am I a Bad Parent?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
I’m ashamed. I see my teen making poor choices and can’t help think I’m to blame. Sometimes it makes me so angry. Am I a bad parent?

Answer:
Many years ago, it became clear to me the powerful difference between anger and disappointment. I had several teens explain how different they felt when their parents were angry with them versus when they were disappointed with them. When parents are angry, it’s often because the teen hasn’t measured up to some expectation of the parent. But when we look a little closer, it’s because the parents were embarrassed or ashamed of what the teen did. In other words, the teen’s poor choice, whether missing school, doing poorly on a test, skipping class, was telling their parents, “You’re doing a bad parenting job.” The parent was feeling responsible for the teen’s poor choice. But the truth is parents are responsible to their teen not for their teen. When parents watch their teens make poor choices they shouldn’t blame themselves as bad parents -, although they may feel disappointed. As I’ve said earlier, teens desperately want their parents to be proud of them. So when parents state their disappointment, that, I’ve been told, is the greatest consequence teens could ever receive. The next time you’re angry – I challenge you to ask yourself – is it because of your teen’s choice or because of how you feel as a parent? There’s a big difference!