Dear Dr. Karyn,
I can’t stand the music my son is listening to - it all sounds so angry. Is this just a phase? How can I put restrictions on my son’s music without being too controlling? Out of frustration, last week, I told him to turn down his music because it’s disgusting. As you might suspect, he got extremely angry. I’m confused with what my role as a parent should be in this.

Answer:
I’ve got a few suggestions. First, it’s important to understand the psychology of music for youth, and even adults for that matter.
We all choose music because we are drawn to it for one reason or another.
When I coach youth, one of the first questions I ask them is “What kind of music do you listen to?” What youth choose to listen to speaks ‘volumes’ of who they are. After all, music is an expression of personal taste and values. Therefore, putting down your son’s music is often misinterpreted as a personal attack. The worst thing you could do is put down your son’s music or say it’s disgusting because, chances are, your son interpreted that comment as you saying he was disgusting. Very few youth can differentiate between who they are and what choices they make.  I’m not saying parents should be silent on this issue. But how parents raise this topic is equally, if not, more important as what they say. My second suggestion is to use your son’s music as a tool to open up dialogue with your son. What kind of music he listens to reflects a lot about where he is at emotionally. Many youth I’ve coached listen to angry sounding music because they can relate to it; they also feel a lot of anger inside of them. So learn to ask the right questions. Really seek to understand where your son is coming from. Ask questions: What is it you like about this music?  What does it mean to you?  Why are you drawn to it?  Third, talk about the issue of respect as it relates to his music, specifically content and volume. Obviously, if there is content which puts down other people, I would encourage you to not let it be played in the home. As it relates to volume, discuss with your child what is a respectful volume they can play in their room so it doesn’t bother others. The key is to discuss this with them.