Dear Karyn,
How can I connect to my introverted child?

Answer:
According to a popular personality test called Myers Briggs, there are 16 common personality types. In families, there are often different personality types with differences that can lead to conflict. I find misunderstanding between parent and child is common especially if the parent is an extrovert and the child is an introvert. Extroverts talk fast, like to be the center of attention, thrive in social settings and enjoy being where the party is at. Introverts may like to be where the party is but, generally, don’t want to be in the spotlight. They often prefer conversations that are one-on-one and they usually need much more alone-time. Also, introverts like to collect their thoughts before they speak while an extrovert speaks and thinks at the same time. This means, the extrovert often becomes impatient waiting for the introvert to speak. If a parent is an extrovert and a child is an introvert, they will often misunderstand each other. The extroverted parent will try to get their child to go out more, speak faster, and encourage them to have more friends. The introverted child may feel rushed and is forced to be more social than they prefer. It’s important to remember that we are all different - not better or worse - just different. Extroverted parents: it’s important to respect that your introverted child will not need to go out and socialize as much as you. And they will need more time to talk so don’t rush them or cut them off in conversation. They’ve got lots to say; they just need more time to say it.

Why Won’t My Child Clean Their Room?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
I love an organized house but my teen loves having a messy room. Why won’t they clean it up?

Answer:
At my all-day parent / youth event, Lifeboat, I had parents and their children do a quick quiz called Kings & Jokers, a quiz I designed to determine how each of them respond to time, organization and flexibility. Both kings and jokers have positive and negative attributes. Before I tell you what they are, think to yourself which one sounds like your teen? Your spouse? And you?

Kings love organization, structure, punctuality. They feel great when everything is in its place. If a parent is a king, they feel best when their car, home, office and garage are neatly organized. The downside is kings can be a little rigid and not very flexible. They like control and so, when there is change, they often feel anxious or stressed. Jokers are just the opposite. Jokers are fun, flexible, spontaneous, very adaptable and deal really well with change. They also tend to work really well under pressure and in jobs in which they have to think on their feet. On the downside, they tend to do work last minute. If a project is due Friday, jokers are doing it late Thursday night. Organization is not a priority. To a king, their bedroom looks like a war zone, but a joker might call it an “organized mess”. They know where everything is under the hundreds of clothes on the floor. The key here is to realize that we are all different – not better or worse but different. In my workshop, once children and parents figured out what they were, they had this ‘ah-ha’ moment. Many king parents thought their joker teens were keeping a chaotic room to make them mad not realizing jokers prefer it that way. The key is to learn from each other. In an ideal world, I encourage you kings to learn more about flexibility from jokers and jokers to learn organization from kings.

What Kind of Child do I Have – Experiential or Wise?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
I’ve got these 2 very different kids. One does as I say and the other likes to learn on their own terms. Please help me understand the difference?

Answer:

There are two very different kinds of kids: experiential and wise. I’ve worked with both. Wise kids come in with a specific goal in mind. They want to improve their relationships, build self-esteem or decrease depression. They’re motivated, focused and very coachable – I provide solutions and they do it and they see results quickly. 

Other kids I call more ‘experiential’. They don’t want solutions. They might admit they’re depressed or struggle with low self-esteem but they are not interested in changing. Rather, they come to tell me what’s going on in their life. I realize as a coach, to be effective, I need to adapt my style to meet their needs.  If I tell experiential kids what to do different, I am wasting my breath and really irritating them. Why? Because they are experiential. They don’t learn from other people telling them what to do; they learn through experience. They tell me, “I would rather live my life my way and learn from my mistakes than have someone else tell me how to live.” 
As parents, we try to give advice and tell our children what to do. If you’ve got a wise child, they are more likely to listen to you. With experiential children, the best thing you can do is allow them to experience the consequences of their choices.