Dear Dr. Karyn,
My 17 year old daughter and I recently got into a big debate about respect. We define it quite differently. How would you define respect? How can I teach respect?

Answer:
Respect is a popular word. We all use the word yet we all define it differently. I love asking parents and youth to define it for me in their own words. Some parents say respect is when their child comes home on time for curfew, when they ask and don’t demand things, when they say please and thank-you and when they put their things away. Youth often say they feel respected by their parents when their parents spend more time listening and less time talking, when their parents ask for their input, and when their parents apologize. Regardless of how you define it, most of us would probably agree we want to be respected by others. Respect needs to be taught and earned. The saying, we teach people how to treat us, is absolutely true. Some parents respect their child but they don’t respect themselves. As a result, their child walks all over them. Other parents respect themselves but not their child. This only creates an unsafe family culture with many walls. The key to teaching respect is to respect ourselves as well as our children. Just ask yourself: if you were an outsider looking in on your parent / child relationship, would you say you respected yourself and others? If not, what changes would you need to make to make a positive difference? Stepping outside of ourselves and looking in can give us a powerful perspective on what we need to do different.