Help – My Daughter is Having Sex!

Dear Dr. Karyn,

My 17 year old daughter just confessed to me that she has become sexually active with her boyfriend. Where do I go from here? I feel she is too young for this step but, obviously, I can’t change what has happened. Do I put her on the pill and just turn my head?

Answer:
Oh, tough question and I’m sure many parents are cringing at the thought of dealing with this situation themselves. The reality is you are absolutely right – you cannot change what has happened and you cannot control whether or not your daughter is sexually active. Sex is one of those tough topics where parents and teens often share different values. Actually, I was interviewed on Canada AM about this very topic and here are some of the points I shared. My number one recommendation is to keep your lines of communication open with your daughter. Teens have so many difficult decisions they need to figure out and I would much rather a teen go to their parent or professional for advice than trying to deal with the situation alone. I think it was very brave of your daughter to be honest with you – that certainly speaks volumes about her trust in your relationship. I would communicate your value with her and that you’d honestly prefer her not to be sexually active at this time and why - but that you also love her and respect her decision. Respect, by the way, does not mean you agree or condone a decision, but rather you respect the person’s right to make a certain decision. There is a big difference. Since she has admitted to being sexually active, I recommend your next step be taking her to your family doctor. Have your doctor communicate the risks about being sexually active as well as recommend the different birth controls available. In this situation, you are not ‘turning your head’, but rather communicating your value and respecting where she is at. My hope is, through this, your relationship will get stronger and that when she needs some help, you will be the first person she goes to.

How Should I Talk to My Children About Sex?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
I’m nervous but I know I need to talk with my teen about sex.  What are some recommendations?

Answer:
I get asked this question a lot! Here are a few of my suggestions:

Please don't wait till they are 16 and in a committed relationship before you have "The Talk" - this is way too late.

Get comfortable. If parents are uncomfortable talking about sex there is not way your child or teen is going to approach you for information.

The best way to talk about sex and sexulality is gradually and from a young age. You can start talking with your children when they are as young as 3 or 4 years old when you start education them about "good" touching and "bad" touching. Let your child take the leadabout how much information is too much information. Children start getting curious and asking a lot of questions. The key is for parents to be that safe person to answer those questions. Bottom line: if parents don't educate their kids about sex the media and their friends will.