Dear Dr. Karyn,
My husband and I have been separated for 2 years and my daughter, age 15 - grade 10, is showing serious behaviour problems. She recently started going out late and coming home early in the morning. And she frequently skips classes at school. Her marks are dropping because of her non-attendance and she is in danger of failing this year. I have spoken with the school principal and guidance counselor several times but, so far, nothing is working. I also arranged for her to see a psychiatrist but she refuses to go back again. Please help!

Answer:
Sounds like a very tough situation! I would need to know more information to give a fully comprehensive answer but I do have a few thoughts I'll share with you. First, I'm curious about what is happening in her life (i.e. school, friendships, and home-life) that is making her want to be away from home and causing her to lose motivation. Teens are strongly influenced by their emotions and it is your daughter's thoughts and feelings that are largely determining her choices right now. When a teen's behaviour changes dramatically, parents need to take notice so they can figure out what the root problem is; this new behaviour is probably a symptom of something greater that is happening underneath. All we can see are her actions but there is obviously a lot going on that we can't see that is causing her extreme behaviour. The tough part about all this is few teens will let people into their heart and mind to help them deal with their struggles. You mentioned she is resistant to seeing a psychiatrist so my advice to you is: join the resistance, don't fight it. You will be wasting time and energy if you try forcing her to go and she is neither ready nor willing. I recommend you see a counselor, coach yourself, and figure out some healthy ways to respond to your daughter. Often parents are surprised when it’s suggested they see a counselor, but it really makes a lot of sense. The people who will truly benefit and the people who should be in counseling are those who are actually willing to change and try something different. This doesn't mean parents who seek counseling are 100% to blame. Rather, the more we as counselors and parents can learn about healthy ways to communicate and connect with our teens, the better our relationships will be! A counselor can also help you in setting boundaries as they relate to your daughter’s schoolwork and curfew and they can work on creative ways to help her talk with you. Only when your daughter feels safe, will she open up and tell you what's truly going on in her life. Only then, will you be getting to the root of the problem.