Dear Dr. Karyn,
I have a 19 year old son who is attending university. He has decided to go back out with an old girlfriend who is not good for him and doesn’t treat him well. What can I do?

Answer:
The simple answer: there is nothing direct you can do. Since your son is 19, you obviously cannot control who he chooses to date. But you can be an incredible support for him, which is very powerful. The interesting thing about dating is that we choose who we want to date. So, when I coach teens through their relationships, I get very curious about what it is about their partner that they are attracted to? What does it say about your son that he is drawn to a girl who does not treat him well or who is not ‘good for him’? I’ve coached teens for ten years and when I see this pattern there is often a common theme which comes back to self-esteem. There are three different kinds of self-esteem. There is low self-esteem, people who put themselves down which I call the “Blind”. There is false self-esteem, people who put others down which I call the “Disguised”. And there is healthy self-esteem, people who treat themselves and others with respect who I call the “Lifers”. The fascinating aspect of self-esteem is this attitude we have of ourselves radically impacts every decision we make including the kind of person we choose to date. Often the Blind are attracted to the Blind or Disguised while the Lifers are often attracted to the Lifers. When parents don’t like who their son or daughter is dating it is often because their partner is the Disguised or Blind. The real issue is that your son may be struggling with a self-esteem issue and until this is addressed my concern is he will continue to choose partners that don’t treat him well or who are not ‘good for him’. My number one encouragement for you is to be a safe place for him to talk. Share with him your concerns and ask him what you can do to be helpful for him through this time. My book Analyse Yourself goes into extreme detail about these 3 different self-esteem attitudes and how they impact our friendships and dating life. This will also be a great resource for him. If he is open, ask him if he would like to see a counselor to help him sort through his relationship. Relationships are tough and the more help, wisdom and support we can get, the better!

How do You Respond if You Don’t Like Who Your Teen is Dating?

Dear Dr. Karyn,
What should a parent do if they don’t like who their teen is dating?

Answer:
Ok, this is a tough one. Obviously, as a parent, you want your son or daughter to be dating only the best. You’ve got high standards. You love them so much and don’t want anyone to treat them with disrespect. So what should parents do when they see subtle signs that their teen’s boyfriend or girlfriend is rude, manipulative or just down right uncaring? The most important thing for you NOT to do is come right out and tell your teen that you don’t approve or like who they are dating and why. There is an incredible loyalty factor in your teen’s relationship. Even if your teen also knows they are not being treated well, the moment someone else tells them this they will often be quick to defend their partner. Then you, as the parent, look like the bad guy. My suggestion, first, make sure you are spending some great one-on-one time with your teen. The best thing you can do is invest in your relationship with your teen. Spend time with them. Listen to them; don’t always give advice. The stronger your relationship is, the more they will be open to hear what you have to say. If your relationship isn’t strong, nothing you say will resonate with them. Second, when the moment is right - and be sure to carefully pick the right time - mention to your son or daughter that you’ve observed some things about their dating relationship. Don’t tell them what you’ve seen – ask them if they want to hear it first. Tell them, “Would you like to hear my thoughts?” If not, respect that. And gently tell them, “Well, if you change your mind or you just want to talk it out, I’m here for you.” The key is to invest in your relationship and make yourself available so when they are ready to talk  - so are you!